The Darkness Yearns for the Light

i dunno much about stocks but when negative numbers appear in red, thats bad, right?

おはよ！わたしのなまえわエコです。おなまえわなんですか？はじめまして。

どーもありがとーございます

goddammn motherfucking computer... damnit... it can hear me...

okay... five in the morning... i'm sober for once... looking online randomly at fanfics, wondering why the fuck there is a category for minesweeper. the pc game minesweeper? wtf? HOW can you possibly write a fanfic about that? and lemons about super mario? god i need to find something better to do...

could clean... did that already... cleaned the bathroom today.

i promise i'm not dead. i'm still here.

I don't get a stimulus payment because I was claimed a dependent on my dad's tax return.

Oh well.

Of woman and incubus be she born
The night of Samhain, the veil be torn.
Of her, the humans cower in fright
While she be the night's delight.
Helios shall drive his chariot naught.
The stars will show no man's lot.
Waning moon shall tell what's been wrought.
Dark creatures: that night, be not fed,
Else human's blood, for good, turn you dead.
The day before, the heavens shall roar,
Marking the epitome of this great lore.
Two witches' sabbats before, in places diverse,
Gaia's catastrophe shall sing a verse.
Enchanting all that she doth see,
Healing she has, so mote it be--
Her power, awakened, unbridled be,
For she be the witches' Hecate.

GRAVESIDE PONDERING

lie there underneath the dirt
it's so quiet
how can one tell you're still there?
pray, give me a sign that you are
that you still go on
that your soul does live with god
it's so cold without you
the mound has settled
time has gone by
and yet, still i wonder
how can one tell you're still there?

because to me you're missing
misssing from my side
missing from my life
it's so cold without you
time has gone by
and i know it's over

i see you in the shadows
calling secretly my name
wanting me to join you
don't you think i tried to follow?
i got lost on the way
hades spat me out

only a stone to mark
the grass covers the mound
your monument begins to chip
the etching starts to weather away
those who once visited no are six feet under
time has gone by
it's so quiet~


is it even worth holding onto anymore?
i can't stop the tears
and the screams through the years
oh how my heart breaks

i'm holding onto nothing
falling so fast that i can't get up again
i don't think i even want to

pass this from me
my heart aches too much
the sun is setting
it's so cold~


my hands are dirty from the deed
i can't get them clean
just like how my love for you is a stain upon your heart
you can't wish it all away
everything
you can't will them all away
everyone
you can't run away
everywhere
i will find you
did you think you could hide?
hide from me
from all of them
my hands are red with blood
if i drop it, shall it break
or will you come and save yourself
before you shatter
before you lose it all because of me?~

why did you die and leave me all alone?
this world is cruel enough
now it is so cold without your presence
i don't know how i can go on
i'm afraid to walk without you
my tears know no end
and it always is raining outside since you passed
i long for the way things used to be
i long for the one who went away
but i know she's not coming back
buried six feet under my feet
no matter how hard i try
i know i can't bring you back
god stole you from me
and he's not going to give you back
why did you go?
why did you leave?
why didn't you take me with you?
i tried to follow you
but i got lost on the way
why weren't you there to lead the way?
i'm lost without you
i find it hard to breathe without your love
what's the use of going on
if you're not around?
your body so cold underneath the earth
stiff and unyielding to my touch
i long to be with you
with you inside that sealed metal box
maybe next to you then
i wouldn't be so lonely
at least then i would have found some kind of peace
but you're so quiet
your hard blue lips don't move
don't whisper my name
dont say "i love you" anymore
i wish my last memory of ytou wasn't your wake
i wanted it to be of your laughter and warmth
not your corpse
it's raining and i miss you~




ARE YOU HERE?

i know you're still here
i hear your voice downstairs near
i still run errands for you
of those i love, you're one of the few

you're not gone
the shadow hasn't won
that wasn't a casket they put you in
and my heart in my ribs didn't give in

that wasn't your hand so stiff and cold
how can one be so bold
to say that you've gone away
when i know that on earth you've stayed?

they gave me a pill to swallow
so i wouldn't drown in sorrow
the flowers dried up on your grave
so of you i've only memories to save~




you're the only thing i can think about
nothing else
no one else catches my eye
you're all i see
it's my fault that it happened
that we're not the way we used to be
how many nights have i lost sleep over this fact?
how many bitter tears have i cried over what i have lost?
and the worst part is is that it's all my fault
we were happy
everything was fine
but i had it in my head to fix what was not broken
and that's how it all fell to pieces
your heart i tried to mend
though it was fine to begin with
and in the process i broke it into so many shards over and over
i treated you like a glass toy
wondering how you'd break
dropped you so many tiimes
do you still want me
even though i hurt you?
do you still want me
even though i lied to you?
do you still love me
even though i ended it all
and ruined everything
and caused your heart to ache
and your eyes to cry
because i told you our love was a lie?
i don't blame you if you hate me
i understand because i hate me now
how many times can i say sorry
before time heals you?

i miss your touch
i miss your form
i almost wonder why i did this to myself
when i see you i hide
i am ashamed of my sin
i drove you away
that's why i am alone
do you still hate me?
i can't live without you
this life has become my hell
i need you like i need air
i don't know why i'm not dead
since i've been without you for so long
i only know that as each day passes without you
the void in my heart grows
and as each week goes by
it hurts more
but i can't ask for you back
since i did this to us
since i ruined evedrything

it's so cold here without you
i wish you were here
but i know i'm alone~



this grief is too hard to swallow
how long have i languished in sorrow?
i'm wasting away without you
don't you know that i need you
to get through this next day
to keep the void in me at bay?

deep inside me you find yourself
where can i find myself?
the emptiness starts to take away
no longer with me do want to stay?
please don't leave me alone--stay?
i need you

i can't hardly breathe without you
i need you
but now you're gone away from me
and lost myself in running after you
i got lost trying to find you
you're gone

you said you found yourself in me
so why then do you flee from me?
what's so great about her?
what does she have that i don't?

tell me i am lacking
how am i broken?
god can fix me
god can mend me
will you take me the second time around?

i'm dying without you
and it's so terribly painful
i need you to survive
i can't go on without you
i need your love to live and breathe
does your heart have room for me again?

why won't you come back to me?
i love you more than god loved his own son
you'll never find another like me
you're all i think about
come back to me in my arms
let me hold you
hold me as i cry

i didn't lie to you
but i made mistakes
who of us is perfect?
i did it all out of love
because i thought it was best
if i was wrong, then i am human
only god is perfect
i lack such

please stay with me
don't leave
it's so cold here without you
i'm afraid to go into the rain without you
will you take my hand and lead me back
or will you leave me out there, lost?~

according to http://www.kvue.com/news/local/stories/101907kvuefatalax-cb.186da9a1b.html concerning my mother's death:


Driver killed in cement truck crash

10:57 AM CDT on Friday, October 19, 2007

KVUE News

A driver was killed in Leander Friday morning when a cement truck broadsided a car, Texas Department of Public Safety investigators said.

It happened shortly before 7 a.m. on Highway 183 just north of 2243.

Investigators say the cement truck was headed north when it collided with the passenger vehicle.

The driver of that vehicle was pronounced dead at the scene.

The driver of the truck was treated and released.

Highway 183 was closed north of 2243 for the morning commute.

this has been the best and the worst week of my life.

the best part: i got engaged! :)

the worst part: my mother died this morning in a horrible car accident. we were so close.

the disparity of the situation is enough to drive me even more insane than i already am.

god

I'm engaged.

! W4n7 2 5133p 8u7 ! F331 1!k3 5(r34m!n6 @ 5um1

I'm gonna reek of tortillas & salsa by the eve's end!

..."lo siento" in spanish translates idiomatically to "i'm sorry" but literally to "i feel it"

oh yeah broke up w/ incumbant bf.what a p*ss*!anyway feel good.he nevr calls or checks lj so he'll find out sometime in july.indeed easiest brkup!

ok actual sms post.Wired.Had 4 red bulls this morn.then some soda.then some coffee.cuppacino.bwahaha!

that coppertone sunblock contains an ingredient derived from beef fat? Stearic acid, i believe. Knowledge is power!

POST(

Define:fear

... A need for emotional lassitude